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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29655825">My head is spinning and I can't keep up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/linhyd/pseuds/Miss_Daydream'>Miss_Daydream (linhyd)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Modern Era, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:02:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,564</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29655825</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/linhyd/pseuds/Miss_Daydream</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin doesn't like Lady Whistledowns blog. He doesn't! He just reads it. And now he thinks about it and now he thinks about Pen, and now his coffee has turned cold. </p><p>A modern AU where Colin suddenly can't stop thinking. About Lady Whistledown, and then about everybody else because that is who LW writes about, and then suddenly Pen. <br/>And where Penelope finally stops thinking. Or at least stops listening to those thoughts telling her she isnt good enough.</p><p>Maybe it was overdue that the Bridgerton boy had some revelations</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>213</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't own Bridgerton. I did change whatever I felt like. It is an AU right? This is my house with my rules. I hope you enjoy</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Colin read the text covering his screen as he scrolled down slowly. The coffee in his hand was beginning to turn cold but the baristas knew him by now, he would have no problem getting a new hot one as soon as he was done reading, which would be soon. </p><p>At least that was what Colin told himself. Soon that stupid Lady Whistledown and her stupid blog would stop making him waste his time. </p><p>To say that Colin was a frequent reader of the LW-blog would be an understatement. For some reason he found himself reading all the updates every Monday and Thursday. It angered him to no end that this woman could make him spend hours reading about gossip he wasn't interested in surrendering people he didn't like. </p><p>In the beginning Colin had told himself he had to read it. If he didn't he would just have to spend the whole next day having either one of his sister's or co-workers retelling the whole update to him in great detail. This was just a better way to spend everybody's time. At least it was easier for him to just insist that it was for everybody's benefit that he took the time and read it himself. </p><p>Once he had even told Anthony how lucky he was to be married to Kate, a woman with the agility of summarising. Anthony didn't have to read a single paragraph of Whistledowns shit, Kate kept him in the loop with 280 characters or less. </p><p>The gods should know that Eloise had never had a talent for summaries. It took way less time for Colin to read the updates himself than have Eloise sum them up to him. So Colin had told Anthony how lucky he and Benedict were not having to readl the dumb things poring out of that website. It wasn't like they would get anything out of reading it anyway.</p><p>Except for the fact that Colin had been lying to Anthony. He didn't envy his brothers for not needing to read page after page of gossip and dress reviews. Sometimes he even felt pity for him and Benedict when he remembered they didn't have LW's blog noted as a favourite on both their phone and laptop. There was a reason he could spend hours reading her words. </p><p>They were… intoxicating.</p><p>There was no one who could describe everyday life quite like Lady Whistledown. No one else who so perfectly could pinpoint just what colour of blue that dress Daphne had worn last week on that picnic had been. </p><p>"Like the dark blue colour the sky becomes on a night when the moon shines so bright the stars fade away." </p><p> </p><p>Colin had read that line the week before and when he closed his eyes to take a sip of coffee he could see exactly that colour behind his closed eyelids. Vibrant and alive in a way that only words could turn things. </p><p>When Daphne had showed up at his apartment later that day in the same dress it had almost disappointed him. Of course it had been that exact blue shade but not nearly as beautiful or livid that Whistledowns words had made it sound. </p><p> </p><p>If Colin was really honest he actually thought his brothers would have something to gain by reading LW. At least Benedict. Her descriptions could make anybody creative. Benedict would have a blast trying to fit the scene she painted for him into an actual painting.</p><p>But Colin didn't like the blog. No, he had told himself that every time he opened it up in his browser. He hated this kind of shit. These things where some anonymous coward hid behind a computer and wrote every mean thing they could think of. It was coldhearted and for what? A couple of likes?</p><p>If it wasn't for the fact that Colin was lying to himself again. The truth was that LW never was too harsh or mean. She was honest and blunt without ever stepping over the line to mean and hurting. If Colin ever needed that confirmed he could just look at that whole mess with Daphne and Simon 7 years prior.</p><p>Sometimes Colin couldn't help but believe that Daphne and Simon never would have married if it wasn't for Lady W.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For a bit of context, this is the Daphne and Simon story Coln is referring to in the first chapter. So a flashback here and then back to present time in the next one</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>7 years ago</p><p>Daphne was in the middle of her third year of nursing school when Simon "The duke" Hastings had suddenly returned to town. The Bridgertons were not strangers to the man, he had been a good friend of Anthony's during their college-years after all. They had even kept in touch during the years after their graduation. </p><p>Not that Simon's friendship with their older brother would have made any of the Bridgerton siblings deaf to the things that were about him. The opposite if something. They might be the ones who knew better than anyone who their brother Anthony "The viscount" Bridgerton hung around in college. </p><p>If their nicknames didn't speak for themselves, well, let's just say that Simon weren't a man a dad would want his daughter to go to prom with. </p><p>Nowadays Simon was a well trusted businessman with a huge inherited fortune and, if you were to believe the rumours, an even bigger fortune that he had earned himself. Apparently, also based on rumours, Simon was working overtime trying to spend the money he had inherited from his father as fast as he could. </p><p>That was how he had met Daphne. Simon had just donated a heavy sum of money to the hospital where Daphne was doing her internship. To make a short story even shorter, it was love at first sight. </p><p>Rumours rose to the surface almost immediately. Whispers and gossip followed the pair at every turn. </p><p>"You know how much she wants a family, she is ready to settle down with the first man that looks at her just to get that big pregnant belly at last. Doesn't even matter what kind of man he is apparently."</p><p>"She is clearly after his money"</p><p>"He just wants her for her looks"</p><p>"Sleeping her way to the top. Of course that hospital will hire her now. He practically funded their new ER"</p><p>"It is fake"</p><p>"Some kind of contract"</p><p>"A theatre of kinds"</p><p>Every week everybody's attention turned to LW's blog to see what she had to say on the pair. Everybody wondered if she would call their bluff or uncover the truth behind the affair. But Whistledown never wrote anything but her pure belief that what Simon and Daphne had was true love</p><p>"If the duke and, most likely, future duchess (and you can quote me on that), are acting Hollywood should watch out."</p><p>A comment that made Daphne laugh out loud as she read the blog with her legs thrown over Simon's lap. He sent her a questioning look and Daphne shrugged. </p><p>“Just thinking of the possibility of the two of us becoming the next Brangelina” Simon shook his head and went back to reading his paper. </p><p>Not that the support of Whistledown made the whispers disappear. It didn't and Daphne started to become desperate in her search for the rumors to end. She lowered her head, ordered home take-out instead of going out and hoped that everybody would just forget. She loved Simon but this was all… too much. Too big of an insult to her character and just her in general. </p><p>It was when the gossip and rumors were at their peak that Whistledown published an update containing the worst thing she had ever written about Daphne to date.</p><p>“Maybe I was wrong about Hollywood ever having to watch out. I am no actor but I have a feeling it is a job that takes at least a tiny bit of confidence, something Daphne Bridgerton clearly lacks. </p><p>I don't think Daphne is deaf and if she hasn't suddenly become so she must be able to hear the nasty words that are said about her as clearly as I do. Grow a spine and stop acting like such a weak coward. </p><p>Even I am starting to doubt myself. Because how could a successful, handsome and kind man like Simon Hastings ever fall in love with such a pushover?</p><p>I don't like being wrong. Prove me right Daphne. Show the world the girl Simon fell in love with and make them never doubt that you are undeserving of it again.”</p><p>That day the whole Bridgerton house was fuming with anger. How dared this unknown woman call their sister weak? </p><p>Eloise and Colin shared a look before they packed a bag full of wine, candy and chips and left for Simon's apartment to see how Daphne was doing. </p><p>Eloise was just about to knock when the door swung up in their faces. Daphne didn't look like a mess, not even close to one. </p><p>She was dressed in a tight, black dress and her lips were painted bright red with that lipstick she had bought months ago but not been daring enough to actually wear. Her eyes weren't filled with tears but determination. </p><p>“Me and Simon are going out. Want to join?” How could their answer be anything other than yes? </p><p>That night Daphne danced until her feet became sore. She laughed and joked around, flirted with Simon and ordered the most disgusting drinks that she then dared Colin to drink up. That night she stopped caring about what everybody else said. Simon was the love of her life and this was who she wanted to be with him. Happy and carefree with bright red lips. </p><p>When Eloise and Colin were too busy trying to convince Penelope, who had happily joined them at Eloise's request, to try any other drink than gin and tonic Daphne took Simons hand and sneaked away to one of the toilets. </p><p>Simon kissed down her neck as he lifted her up on the counter. Daphne caught his mouth with hers and felt what could only be described as euphoria as she laughed and kissed him at the same time. </p><p>In LWs update the following week this could be read</p><p>“I have always believed that if walls could talk it would be the ones in bathrooms that would have the most secrets to share. Maybe I am wrong but I think I have been clear in my belief that that isn't possible. </p><p>And just a side note, because wasn't it a long time ago I talked about this season's colours? I have heard that spring will bring back green but I would recommend that Simon Hastings invested in adding a bit of red to his wardrobe instead. It suits him well”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't know why but I had a great time writing this chapter. I thought about trying to keep some kind of fake dating but then I just really got stuck on the idea of reversing it.<br/>Feedback is always appreciated. Take care of yourselves, we all need to right now<br/>Love<br/>A tired daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And we are back to the present. Thank you for all the lovley feedback, I could never have believed that someone would actully read my writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Colin made a face when he took a sip of his, now icecold, coffee. He thought about asking for a new one but this cup was still filled to the brim. He couldn't find it in himself to ask for a new one when he hadn't even touched the first one. Instead he added so much sugar to it that he could practically hear his mothers voice in the back of his head. </p>
<p>“Think about your teeth Colin! You know how much you hate going to the dentist” </p>
<p>Colin had not been scared of the dentist in years now, not that his mother would ever understand that he was a thirty year old man now. </p>
<p>A thirty year old man reading a gossip-blog in the middle of the day with a cup of coffee so full of sugar it almost tasted like chocolate milk. </p>
<p>Okay, he had to shut this site down now. Sure, Whistledown intrigued him in some kind of way he couldn't quite understand and now he suddenly couldn't stop his mind from spinning in every direction it shouldn't be. He wasn't supposed to sit here and obsess over this stupid blog. </p>
<p>He wasnt suppused to sit her and obsess over this stupid blog. </p>
<p>Colin suddenly remembered why he was there. The draft of the first two chapters of his new book should be done today. That was what he was doing there with his laptop. He should be writing!</p>
<p>Colin swore as he opened the document and read the last thing he had written last time. </p>
<p>Had LW ever been mean? Like really mean? </p>
<p>“No! Focus!” Colin told himself without caring if anyone else heard him. He tried again. Even put his hands on the keyboard. </p>
<p>She was mean to Penelope. He remembered that time she wrote that “the day Penelope gets a hot date is the day pigs learned to fly”? Which she then followed up with “So, the day Penelope gets a hot date is the day she also learns to fly?” </p>
<p>Colin gave up with a heavy sigh. Now he wouldn't get anywhere because now his head was spinning again and if he tried to write at the same time he was sure he would become nauseous.  </p>
<p>But Colin refused to go down just that road again. He had spent too many hours furious over that one comment and it had led him nowhere. He wouldn't work himself up over it again. Not until he found out who Whistledown were. She might impress him, even intrigue and compel him, but no one talked about Penelope that way. </p>
<p>At least Colin could be happy that Penelope wasn't the secret blogger. If there was someone who could ruin him and his whole reputation with ease it was she. Penelope knew more about him than… anyone else. </p>
<p>Penelope had been the first one to read his work. That first, really bad draft of his first book that still made Colin cringe to this day when he thought about it. </p>
<p>Or she could write about that time when he was 14 and threw up at Benedicts birthday celebration after Daphne had said that he wouldn't be able to eat five jalapenos. She had been the only one there and when he asked her not to tell anyone she had given him a look that said that the thought hadn't even crossed her mind. She was nine at the time but Colin was sure she still remembered.</p>
<p>Penelope could tell the world about when Colin had called her at 2 am, asking if she could come over. When he had opened the door her eyes had become wide and scared at the sight of the tears streaming down his face and his messy appearance. </p>
<p>“Oh, god. What is happening” And Colin, who still insisted to this day that he had only had one glass of red wine, had sobbed out a broken</p>
<p>“I began to watch “up”” And then they had both been crying, only Penelope's tears were the result of the laughter bubbling out of her. </p>
<p>Yes, Penelope couldn't be LW because she was the only person that made Colin shudder with fear when he let the bizarre thought of her being so pass his mind. She knew him inside and out and it was truly scary if the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself spent their spare time sharing people's secrets online.</p>
<p>A ting came from Collins phone and Penelope's face, as if she knew he was thinking about her, lit up his screen. It was a great picture. She was laughing freely and when Colin looked at it he could almost hear it as clearly as if she had been right there beside him. </p>
<p>Lady W didn't know what she was talking about. Any man would be happy to be with Penelope.  </p>
<p>Colin ignored the anger that immediately rose in his chest once more and opened the text instead. </p>
<p>“Going out with El tonight, wanna join?” Colin was just about to answer yes when his eyes flashed back to the screen of his laptop. The battery was almost dead and he hadn't written a single word. He sighted and answered with much less excitement. </p>
<p>“Raincheck? Have to finish my draft” </p>
<p>Penelope texted back almost immediately</p>
<p>“Course, another time. Good luck” </p>
<p>Full of disappointment Colin turned back to his laptop to make one last useless attempt to get something done. If only he could make his head slow down. He couldn't even understand what he himself had written over the sound of his own thoughts. </p>
<p>He felt like his mind was working on something. Why else would it keep full speed like this. The problem was just that he couldn't quite figure out what that would be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I dont think the updates will keep coming as often in the future, I just cant stop writing at the moment. This was supposed to be a oneshot at one point. <br/>Take care and I will see you soon<br/>Love <br/>Your happy daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>New chapter, now it is Penlopes turn to shine</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Some hours later, in a pub not far away from the café Colin had spent his afternoon in, Penelope held her glass of gin and tonic in front of her eyes. She could almost make out Eloise, who was seated on the other side of the table, through the liquor. </p><p>She was a bit blurry and weirdly shaped but Penelope quite clearly saw that it was her best friend. Or not. Penelope was able to see that it was Eloise through the glass but just because she already knew that was who was sitting across from her. </p><p>“This is how I have seen the world” Eloise tilted her head slightly. </p><p>“What are you talking about, Pen?” Penelope put her drink back down on the table a bit harder than she had intended and some of the it spilled out over her hand. She ignored it. </p><p>“I can see you through the glass and I can make out who you are. But the only reason I can do that is because I already know that it is you. That is what I have been doing with Colin!” Eloise furrowed her eyebrows and took a sip of her beer. Penelope waited patiently for her to reply. </p><p>“You are not making any sense” Not really the reply Penelope had wanted. She tried once more.</p><p>“I want true love. Earth-shattering, groundbreaking, true love and I have been so sure that the man who could give me that is Colin. Even if the man is blurry and imposible to give an identity.<br/>
I have been so sure it is Colin I haven't even let myself wonder if it is possible for somebody else to give me that.” Eloise stared at her. She was silent for a whole minute, which was really impressive when talking about Eloise. </p><p>“You are drunk” Again, not really the reply Penelope was looking for. Maybe true, but irrelevant at the moment. </p><p>“No, I am clear-sighted” Penelope corrected Eloise proudly. </p><p>“But if you are clear-sighted, wouldn't that mean that you can see who the man is then?” Now it was Penelopes time to turn quiet. She looked at the glass and tried to remember exactly how she had tried to describe her sudden realisation.  </p><p>“No, no because I first look through the glass, and then… then I figure out it isn't Colin… or maybe it is Col…” For a woman who spent so much time writing this really wasn't her finest moment  “You know what! It doesn't matter!” Eloise laughed loudly. Penelope took a big sip of her drink. </p><p>“Yes, you are clearly sober” Penelope ignored her best friend completely</p><p>“What matters is that I am done living my life according to that stupid voice in my head who tells me Colin is the love of my life and I will never be good enough for him.” Eloise stopped laughing at once. Her face filled with concern. </p><p>“Penelope, you can't think like…” Penelope didn't give her time to finish the sentence. </p><p>“I won't. Not from now on! I am done with letting anyone hold me back! Colin, myself or anyone else for that matter. I want to live my life my way!” She was almost screaming by now. Maybe she had drunk one or two GTs too many tonight. This wasn't quite like her.</p><p>No, this was like her. Penelope was a passionate person. She just didnt let it show, scared it would scare away people in her life that she cared about. Scared that they wouldn't like this woman because that voice in her head told her it was a miracle she had friends in the first place. </p><p>Penelope's yes met Eloise's. She didn't look ready to run away, or disgusted by this sudden burst of emotion. Eloise looked proud. </p><p>“Yeah baby! The world has no clue what's coming for it!” Eloise didn't just almost scream. She screamed so loudly more than a couple of heads turned around to look at them and Penelope couldn't understand how she had ever been worried that Eloise wouldn't love every side of her. </p><p>It wasn't like Eloise could be beat when it came to passion anyway. Penelope wanted to be passionate but she would never be able to cause the same commotion as Eloise. Or, she would be capable of it. She just didn't want to. </p><p>Her phone made a buzzing sound and Colins name flashed across the screen. Pure reflex made Penelope's hand reach for it immediately but, once her brain had had time to catch up to it, her hand was left hanging in the air. </p><p>“Aren't you going to answer that?” </p><p>“No” Penelope's answer surprised both women and their wide eyes met. A small, smug, smile was playing on Eloise's lips “No, I don't think I will”</p><p>“No?” Penelope shook her head as she let her hand reach the last centimeters to get a grip of her phone. Instead of unlocking it and answering Colin, as she always did, she stuffed it back down into her handbag.</p><p>“No, it is late. Colin knows I am out and if I am honest, I have never liked to have my phone on the table when I am out. It is distracting and I am having fun” Something could be sensed in the air. It felt kind of like electricity and Penelope had a feeling that she had just earned up to that promise she had made herself. She was done playing by somebody else's rules. </p><p>“So, you don't want to answer Colin. What do you want?” </p><p>“Another round” Eloise finished the last of her beer in one swing before getting up to follow Penelope's order. She was back within minutes with new drinks. </p><p>“And now?” Penelope looked around the room, her eyes stuck on the bartender</p><p>“Make out with the bartender” Eloise choked on her drink and her coughing mixed with uncontained laughter. </p><p>“I love you so much! Omg! But I will have to advise against it” Penelope pouted her lips and made her eyes huge. Eloise wiped away a couple of tears as her laugh continued but more controlled than earlier </p><p>“Why! Why Eloise?” She whined</p><p>“His boyfriend is a lovely man” Penelope stared at Eloise before laughter took over her as well. She laughed so hard her stomach hurt and Eloise, who had just gotten a hold of herself, broke down once more<br/>
When they were both so out of breath it was physically impossible for them to laugh any longer, Eloise took a big, calming breath. </p><p>“So, what do you want then? Make out with somebody else?” Her head began to turn back and forth like she was looking for possible candidates. </p><p>“Maybe later” </p><p>“And what do you want to do now?” Tell her best friend that she was Whistledown. That was what she wanted to do now. Penelope wasn't ready for the whole world to know about her secret identity, maybe she never would be. She was, however, very ready for her best friend to know. </p><p>Penelope didn't want to hide any longer. Not to Eloise. </p><p>“Penny?” </p><p>“I am Lady Whistledown'' Penelope could barely understand what was happening herself. She had never said those words out loud. Not even when she was alone. It was like she had turned her two identities into two completely different persons. As if Penelope wasn't Whistledown at all when she didn't write the blog. </p><p>Which was weird. Because it was never hard to turn into her when she wrote, in some way she must be Lady Whistledown all the time right? </p><p>Eloise was quiet for a short moment. </p><p>“Neat” Neat? Had Eloise really replied neat to the biggest confession in Penelope's whole life. Was she absolutely insane? Neat? What kind of fucking answer was that when someone told you a huge secret? She had to be kidd…</p><p>“You knew” Penelope's thoughts got interrupted by her sudden realisation. </p><p>“Yeah, I did” It almost sounded like Eloise apologised to her. For what that would be Penelope was unable to understand. For years she had been scared about how people would react if they found out and Eloise already knew? This was the best news ever!</p><p>“How?” Eloise had started to rip her napkin into tiny pieces. Penelope was very familiar with that behaviour, it was close to impossible to catch Eloise with her hands held completely still. In college Penelope had insisted on painting her nails every week. A desperate attempt to keep Eloise from tearing them down. </p><p>“You might be good at hiding it to everyone else but I have always seen her in you, It took awhile for me to understand why Whistledowns comments made me laugh so hard. She shares your sense of humor”<br/>
“I envy her sometimes” It was true. Sometimes Penelope felt jealous of the made up woman who never listened to anyone but herself. </p><p>“That is stupid”</p><p>“I know” </p><p>“Just be her” Eloise said it like it was the easiest task in the whole world, maybe it was. </p><p>“Maybe I should” </p><p>“But without not being you as well” Eloise leaned over the table and put her finger at the top of Penelope's nose “Because I like you. Bop!” Penelope giggled </p><p>“I like you to, weirdo”</p><p>“Maniac” </p><p>Yes, Penelope was most definitely drunk, so was her best friend and this was the first night of the rest of her life. A life as Lady Penelope Featherington Whistledown.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have written a bit on the next chapter as well but something about it just feels a bit... off. It might be a bit longer before I post it, I just want to get it right.<br/>Big thanks to everybody who reads, leaves koduses and comments.<br/>Love<br/>A thankful daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was really unhappy with this chaper at first but I think I got it right in the end. At least I hope I did, please tell me otherwise and happy reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Penelope knew at once that the bed she woke up in did not belong to her. She chose to ignore that fact at the moment. The sun that streamed in through the window gave her a headache and her mouth felt awfully dry. </p><p>She sat up in the bed and looked around. There was nobody else in there but her but somewhere outside she could hear the sound of movement. On the nightstand next to her stood a glass of water which Penelope happily finished within seconds. She didn't even care if it was meant for her or not.  She and the man, oh god she didn't even know his name, were way past that stage by now. </p><p>It was a challenge trying to track down all of her stuff.  A shirt in that corner, a pair of jeans in that one and her bra thrown over one of the beds four pillars. </p><p>The night before was a bit blurry but not impossible to remember and, even though Penelope couldn't help but to think of herself as a bit dramatic, she didn't regret anything she had said or done. Even through her banging head and aching body a smile managed to work its way to her lips when she thought about the night before and how it had ended. </p><p>“How about that one” Eloise had asked as she had pointed to a man sitting at the bar. He was hot. Like really hot. Penelope had looked at him for a while </p><p>“He is hot” She had said at last and Eloise's smile had almost grown bigger than her face. </p><p>“Yes” Penelope had had to fight the urge to laugh and tell Eloise she was delusional. That man would never even look at her twice. She had swallowed the harsh words. She didnt care if that man looked at her. She wanted to see what she was capable of, the worst thing that could happen was that he turned her down. She could survive that. </p><p>“Okay” As she had begun to stand up and leave the table Eloise had taken a grip around her wrist. </p><p>“Learn to fly” Penlope had looked at her friend as if she had turned absolutely crazy before remembering the mean words she had written about herself about a year ago. She had looked back at the man with a new sense of determination filling her. </p><p>“I sure will” </p><p>And apparently she had. Penelope looked at herself in the small mirror on one of the walls in the bedroom. Her hair was a mess, her shirt had turned all wrinkly from laying in a pile on the floor the whole night, and her mascara had left black smudges under her eyes. She looked ridiculous.</p><p>Without giving it a second thought she snapped a picture of her messed up state and sent it to Eloise. She had just sent it when she noticed the red spot on her collarbone. Was that a hickey? She suffocated a laugh and turned back to her phone. </p><p>At the top of the screen Colins unopened text was visible as a notification. Penelope was still determined to keep up the promises that she had made herself the night before. They were long overdue. </p><p>Not that a simple promise on a Friday night would stop Penelope's heart from fluttering every time Colins name flashed across her screen. That would have to wait. Penelope told herself that she didn't have to stop loving Colin romanticly, she just had to accept the fact that they would never have more then they had now. </p><p>And that would hurt. It would hurt a lot. Penelope had loved Colin since… forever and on some level she wondered who the Penelope who didn't love Colin Bridgerton even was. SHe couldn't remember any longer. Maybe she would never find out. </p><p>Or, perhaps, her romantic feelings would fade away together with the pain and Penelope would be able to live a happy life where she and Colin could keep each other close in a way they would both feel satisfied with. </p><p>Penelope looked at herself in the mirror. She looked so different from the girl that had first fallen in love with the young Bridgerton.</p><p>It was impossible for Penelope to pinpoint the exact moment she had first started having feelings for Colin but she had been 6 the first time she today could remember him making her heart skip a beat. </p><p>It had been one of the many afternoons that she had spent at the Bridgerton-house. Eloise had shown Penelope the big collection of toy-cars Benedict had given her since he said he was too old for them now. </p><p>Penelope had gawked at them. She didn't have any brothers and both her and her older sisters had been given dolls, unicorns and pink glitter since all eternity. Well, not literally but you get the picture. </p><p>It had been hard for Penelope to remember the last time she had had so much fun as when she and Eloise raced the cars around the room. At least until Eloise lost her grip around one of them and it flew right into the wall breaking off a bit of the toy. </p><p>With a trembling lip Eloise had looked from the car to Penelope and back again but before she had even had the time to burst into tears the door of her room had opened and revealed the then 11 year old Colin. </p><p>Colin had helped Eloise fix the car with some glue and when it had dried it was as good as new and Penelope  Featherington had been in love with Colin Bridgerton. </p><p>Well, no, she had been six. She had been crushing on Colin. </p><p>The first time she remembered wondering if that feeling in her chest was true love had been years later. When she was 13 and he 18. </p><p>Cressida Cowper was The same age as Penelope and everything that she had wanted to be back then. Thin, cute and sexy. The only thing she had lacked was a decent personality. Something Penelope had had to take the biggest hit off. </p><p>After a particularly bad day Penelope had been standing in the Bridgertons kitchen, by that time she had spent more time there than at home, with her hands wrapped around a cup of tea. The sound of voices could be heard as they approached and suddenly Penelope had been surrounded by the Bridgerton boys. </p><p>“No I am telling you! She hates me!” Colin had screamed. Anthony shook his head </p><p>“You didn't get a D in english because your teacher hates you. Just admit you handed in a bad essay” Colin had frantically shook his head as Benedict laughed</p><p>“Seriously, Col! Anthony has done way worse, you don't have to be embarrassed” Colins face had turned bright red.</p><p>“I'm not! It was a good essay! It deserved a B, at least” Penelope, who had been standing quiet while the boys were arguing, had finally spoken up. </p><p>“He is right, it was a good essay. He let me read it. I say you demand to get it back and then bring it to another teacher and get their opinion” The trio had all turned to look at her in a way that had looked very comical. Colins face went from furious to smiling within a second. </p><p>“Yes! That is exactly what I should do, You are the best Penelope! Fucking awesome! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.” Then he had turned to his older brothers and pointed to them</p><p>“You both suck” He had pointed to Penelope “She is the best” </p><p>A day that had seemed to be impossible to make even decent had turned from awful to good thanks to single conversation with Colin. Penelope had known that the burning feeling that had filled her whole being when he left the kitchen, still smiling from ear to ear, had to me more than a crush. </p><p>But it had been at 18 that Penelope had accepted the fact that her love for her best friend's brother wouldnt end anytime soon, if ever. </p><p>Their graduation ball had been getting nearer and nearer. Penelope didn't have a date. It hadn't bothered her, not really. Except that it really had.</p><p>Penelope could spend hours watching rom-coms. She loved the scene where the girl got to turn up to the ball in a beautiful dress and have the good time she deserved. She had always dreamed of that romantic ball where somebody asked her and she got to dance and feel beautiful for a whole night. </p><p>Penelope had even tried to ask a guy out herself, it had not gone well. In the end she hadn't wanted to go at all. She didn't feel like spending a night standing in a corner and be forced to watch her classmates, who had never been quite nice to her, have that perfect night that she had always dreamed of. </p><p>She didn't feel like having Eloise's concerned eyes on her the whole night as Sally Jones whispered badly to Cressida that she had won the betting-pool on who would take the ugly Penelope to the prom. No one! </p><p>No, Penelope had much rather spent the night writing on her new blog. </p><p>Eloise had begged her to at least get ready together with her, that was half of the fun after all, and Penelope had accepted with a bit of hesitation. Eloise had assured her that she wouldn't force her to attend the ball if she didn't want to. </p><p>It had turned out that Eloise was correct. Getting ready together had been fun but when the emerged from ELoise's room Penelope had still wanted to tell Eloise to go without her, </p><p>At least until she had seen the figure waiting for them at the end of the stairs. Back from university and fully dressed in smoking Colin had looked up at her. His eyes had been twinkling and his face was covered by a big smile.</p><p>“You look beautiful Pen, I can't believe how lucky I am to get to take you to prom” Eloise had taken a hard grip around her arm as if she had felt Penelope's legs becoming weak. Her throat became tight and her eyes blurry. </p><p>“You can't cry! You worked way too hard on that make up” Penelope had let out a tiny giggle and slowly taken the last steps of the stairs down until she had reached Colin. </p><p>In every dream Penelope had dreamed about her prom it had never been as wonderful as the real one. Colin had spent the whole night dancing with her, making her laugh and telling everybody how happy he was to be there with her. </p><p>He had looked at her in a way that made her feel beautiful and Penelope had been sure that if she hadn't been hopelessly and unlimited in love with Colin before she would have been after. </p><p>Penelope got dragged back to reality by her phone beginning to buzz her morning-alarm in her hand and she remembered that she still hadn't read Colins text.</p><p>“Finished my draft. Pizza and movies tomorrow?”</p><p>No, Penelope wouldn't stop loving Colin, not ever. He was still one of her best friends. She would just start loving herself a bit more. That included not being so hooked up on a  guy that she forgot to live her own life. It also included pizza. Which she really craved at the moment. </p><p>“Congrats. I'll be there at seven”</p><p>When Penelope finally gave up on finding her other sock she opened the door and left the bedroom behind her. </p><p>In the kitchen the man at the bardisk from the night before was standing. His hair was as messy as Penelopes and he was shirtless. Penelope had to stop in her tracks for a second just to take it all in. He looked like a freaking, greek god. She had slept with a fucking greek god!</p><p>The greek god looked up from his phone and smiled at her over the brim of his coffee cup. </p><p>“Good morning” Even his voice sounded too good to be human. Penelope accepted the cup he handed her with a grateful smile. His jawline was perfect, his eyes dark blue in a way that she could drown in and his lips full and pink. </p><p>Still Penelope found herself thinking that she preferred Colins green eyes. She took a sip of coffee and pushed away the thought.</p><p>“Morning” The god looked at her with a puzzled look. </p><p>“I don't think I caught your name yesterday” Penelope almost dropped her mug on the floor as his voice flooded through the room again. He hadn't caught her name? She hadn't introduced herself? </p><p>That was… apparently a good tactic. </p><p>“I guess that makes us even, I didn't catch yours either” She had been drunk the night before and somewhere in the back of her head she had been terrified of the possibility that the new confidence she had promised herself would have disappeared in the morning when she was sober again. She was happy to notice that that didn't seem to be the case. </p><p>“You really won't tell me?” With a smile on her face Penelope handed the mug back to the greek god, why would she want a name when she could just keep calling him that. </p><p>“No, I don't think I will. Thank you though. This was fun.” With a newly found power in her steps Penelope left the apartment before remembering that she had no clue where she was. It was all so bizarre she couldn't help but laugh. As she called a cab and checked her own location she thought that maybe this wasn't quite how she wanted every weekend to look like but if it did she could certainly get used to it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It was great fun writing the flashbacks from Penelope and Colins past. Its just a lot of fun to get a deeper understanding of their relationship and understand just how they ended up where they are now.<br/>Thanks again to everybody who in anyway enjoy this story. It gives me so much happiness.<br/>Have a good weekend and take care!<br/>Love<br/>A simple daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To everybody that have been waiting for our main couple to interact, the time has finally come. <br/>Love you all, and I hope you like it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Colin noticed that something had changed the second Penelope stepped into his apartment. It frustrated him that he couldnt put his finger on what it was. She didn't have a new haircut, she hadn't tried anything extremely new with her clothes, no it didn't have anything to do with her looks at all. </p><p>It was just a feeling Colin couldn't seem to let go of, just like anything else nowadays it seemed like. </p><p>Penelope jumped up to sit on top of his kitchen counter when Colin called their favourite pizza place to order. When he looked back at her she had picked out a bag of chips from the cabinet above her head. Colin watched her closely, a thought playing at the end of his mind, just out of his reach. </p><p>“Want some?” Penelope held out the bag towards him and the thought fled away completely. Not that Colin cared, he much rather ate chips with Penelope. He sat down on the counter next to her and took a handful of chips. Everything felt so easy when he was with Pen. He didn't have to try with her. He could be a grown up man who ate chips sitting on the counter when he owned real chairs. It didn't matter.</p><p>“How've you been?” Penelope asked him with her mouth so full of chips anyone else would have had a hard time understanding a single word. </p><p>“Eh, you know, mom keeps talking about settling down and stuff” He made his voice high and loud “I just want you all to get married. All my children happily married” Penelope threw her head back and laughed, it sounded the very same as that laugh he had photographed. It made him feel happy inside. That he could make her laugh like that. </p><p>“No, no. You mother doesn't sound like that” She continued to laugh. </p><p>“Then how does she sound” Penelope sent Colin a look that he couldn't take any other way than, </p><p>“Is that a challenge?” </p><p>“Go ahead, if you now know what my mother sounds like so much better than me” Penelope cleared her throat loudly before starting to talk with a voice that was horrifyingly similar to Violet Bridgertons</p><p>“Well, of course you don't have to get married. It is just… me and your father were so happy together. How could I ever not wish for my children to find the same kind of love?” Colin stared at her. </p><p>“Nope! Absolutly fucking not! God Pen, that is terrifying” Penelope licked away a bit of salt from her thumb. </p><p>“You wouldn't have said that if I were able to do that when you were in high school. You would have begged me to call the school and act like your mother every other day to get you out of class” Every inch of Colin's face shined up at Penelope's comment. The thought of himself asking Penelope to help him skip school was just sounding very compelling to him even if those days were long gone by now. </p><p>“Think of all the fun we could have had!” Penelope shook his head </p><p>“You seem to forget that we still lack a way that would have gotten me out of school” The doorbell rang and Colin jumped down to the floor and went to get their dinner at the same time as he answered.</p><p>“Nah, I can do a pretty good Portia” The sound of Penelope's howling laughter could be heard through the whole apartment as Colin opened the door to bring in and pay for the pizza. It didn't end during the whole time Colin was out of the room and the pizza-guy sent him an amused smile as he thanked him and paid. Colins only response was a shrug and smile. </p><p>When he returned to the kitchen Penelope was still laughing and it looked like she was about to fall off the kitchen counter at any second.  </p><p>“I can't help but wonder if this should offend me” Penelope had calmed down a bit, her breaths sounded heavy. She shook her head.</p><p>“No no, I just couldn't possibly imagine you impersonating my mother” Colin rolled his eyes but felt that happy feeling in his chest he only got when Penelope was around. He could spend hours listening to her laugh. </p><p>“Okay, I get it. Real fun. Now go pick a movie and I will be right in with this” That was the routine. When they were at his place Penelope picked a movie and he fixed up their dinner, when they were at hers it was the other way around. </p><p>Penelope shot herself off the counter and landed more or less smoothly on the floor. </p><p>“Copy that” She told him, the laughter was still clear in her voice, and left him alone in the kitchen. Every now and again Colin could still hear her giggle from the other room and he found his smile grow every time. </p><p>It was easy to invite Penelope over. It didn't take any effort or energy. It was like Colin got energy every time he was around her. Including the times they didn't even talk to each other. Like when he asked her to come over to read his latest chapter. </p><p>Then she would always sit on the opposite side of his sofa. Her eyes would turn from side to side of the paper and her lips would move slightly as if she was barely mouthing the words when she read them. Even then Colin felt better, just by having her there. He had never thought about how he would feel if she suddenly wasn't near him. Why would he? She had always been there</p><p>At least he hadn't thought about it until last night. </p><p>Penelope always answered his texts within a few minutes when she was awake and he had texted her at nine the night before. It was impossible for Colin to remember a single time that he had gone out with Penelope and Eloise and been in bed before midnight. </p><p>Except that this time Penelope had not answered. He hadn't thought about it at first, not until twenty minutes had passed. By then he had started to get a weird, uneasy feeling that he couldn't understand the cause of until he opened his phone and remembered that Penelope still hadn't answered him. </p><p>Colin had told himself that it wasn't weird that someone hadn't texted back after 20 minutes and had turned his attention back to the show he was watching.</p><p>20 minutes had turned to forty, and then to an hour, and hours. Colin had been lying awake in bed, turning from side to side before he, at last, fell asleep in the early morning and woke up suddenly a few hours later to the sound of his text signal and Penelope's face.</p><p>Colin picked up the pizzas and brought them into Penelope who was waiting on the sofa with the latest marvel movie paused on the TV in front of her. Colin handed her a plate and sat down next to her as she klicked play. </p><p>A few minutes into the movie Colin was completely lost. Now he was suddenly unable to stop thinking about the night before and he hadn't paid the movie any attention. Penelope had thrown her legs over his lap and when he turned to look at her she was stuffing more pizza into her mouth then she was really capable of with her eyes locked to the TV. </p><p>“Did you have fun last night?” Colin heard himself ask. Penelope didn't look away from the movie</p><p>“Yeah, it was great. As always” She said with her mouth full of pizza</p><p>“Did you go home early?” What was he doing? Why did he ask her these questions? Of course he was curious about how they had been but he had never felt the urge to ask about when they had gone home previous times. Colin had joined them enough time to have a pretty good picture of how the nights usually played out himself. The need for ingoing questions had never existed. </p><p>“No not really” Colin might have cursed to himself once more if it hadn't been for the fact that he was almost completely positive that Penelope was blushing. Why would she blush? It hadn't been an embarrassing question.  </p><p>Penelope continued to watch the movie. Colin continued to watch Penelope. With a motion that Colin was about 100% sure was unintentional, Penelope brought her hand up to her collarbone. Her hand stayed there for a short second before she used it to grab after a new slice of pizza. </p><p>The neckline of her shirt stuck with her hand as she separated them. It was just for a short second but long enough for Colin to see a red mark. A hickey! </p><p>“Is that a hickey?!” Colin didn't understand why he sounded so horrified at the realisation or why he had even said that. </p><p>Now Penelope looked at him at least. Her eyes were big and shocked and she pulled her legs away from him and sat up straighter. Her hand returned to the spot where Colin had seen the mark which only confirmed his suspicion even more. </p><p>The living room was totally quiet except for some kind of mechanic sound that came from the TV. Colin waited for Penelope to deny his accusation. To tell him that it was a burn mark from a curling iron or something like that. After a couple of seconds the shock left Penelope's eyes and she looked at him in a new way. A look full with daring confidence</p><p>“Yes. Yes it is” Colin was to shocked at her honest and clear reply to be able to let out more than a weak</p><p>“Oh, okay” Penelope kept her gaze on him for a second more but when she seemed to understand that he wouldn't say anything else she turned her attention back to the movie and stretched out her legs over his lap once more. </p><p>This time every part of his body that Penelope touched burned like she was made of fire. Not that Colin asked her to move. He didn't want to, or couldn't, or maybe a mixture of them both.</p><p>It took every last part of Colins determination not to ask Penelope how she had gotten it. He wasnt stupid, he had a pretty good idea about how hickeys apeared. He had made a few himself, and gotten them too. But this was Penelope! He didn't want to imagine her in any of the situations that had given him hickeys. </p><p>Colin stared at the place where he had seen the mark and told himself to stop thinking about it. Just stop, stop, stop. It wasn't doing him any favors sitting here, burning a hole on Penelope's shirt with his eyes and wondering how she had gotten it. </p><p>Had it been the night before? Was she seeing someone? But Colin forced himself to keep quiet. He didn't want Penelope to tell him about how she got her hickey but he couldn't quite put his finger on why that was. </p><p>Just the thought of someone giving Penelope a hickey made his whole body itch.</p><p>The first movie ended. Colin went to get them a cup of tea and some more chips and Penelope turned on a second one. Half an hour into the new movie Penelope started to switch around uncomfortably before she at last laid down and rested her head on Colins lap. Colin froze for a second before reaching after a pillow to make her more comfortable. </p><p>Penelope accepted it gratefully before she laid down again. </p><p>“I can move if you want to” She told him, Colin shook his head before he remembered that she couldn't see him when her head was resting on top of his lap and facing the other way. </p><p>“I don't” Penelope yawned and nodded. Colin fiddled with his hands. He had a hard time figuring out where he would put them. In the end he decided to lay one on the armrest as he drew circles at the top of Penelope's neck with the other. </p><p>“You can stay the night” He told her when he noticed how hard she worked on trying to keep her eyes open. It seemed like that was all it took because just a few seconds later he heard her breaths becoming slower. The last thing he heard was a mumbled</p><p>“Night, love you” </p><p>Colin stayed up for about an hour more. His legs went numb under the weight of Penelope's head but he didnt care, just continued to draw circles in her scalp and watch the movie without really watching it at all.</p><p>As the clock on his phone turned 1 he tried to leave the sofa as quietly as possible. He carefully lifted Penelope's head and layed it back down on the pillow before he covered her body in a blanket. </p><p>“Good night. I love you too” </p><p>Colin left the living room for the bedroom but would soon find out that this night wouldn't be any better than the night before. As the hours ticked on Colin kept lying awake, unable to keep his head at a low enough noise level to be able to sleep over it. </p><p>At 4 he gave up, stood up and approached his window. The world was sleeping outside, from the living room he could hear Penelope's soft breathing. Something had been different tonight. Not in an obvious way. Penelope was always comfortable when they were alone but something about her had just felt… changed.  </p><p>It bothered Colin that he couldn't understand what it was.</p><p>He looked out through the window again. Looked down at the street and the streetlights covering them and wondered if Lady Whistledown was asleep right now. Maybe she wasn't, maybe she walked the street at this hour to see what she could catch up for next week's update. Perhaps she stood under one of those street lights, or right outside of its reach, and looked up at him right now. Maybe that would be what next week's update would say</p><p>“Colin Bridgerton seems unable to sleep. I can't think of a reason that would be. Doesn't that boy have every single reason to sleep soundly at night? <br/>What haunts you? What are you thinking about that keeps you up? Is it a dark secret? There is no point in hiding it, I will find out in the end”*</p><p>"Come at me!" Colin had a good desire to scream out to the tattle happy woman.</p><p>"Tell the whole world what I am hiding, maybe then I would finally find out myself" He could hear Penelope say something in her sleep but couldn't quite make out what. </p><p>For a second Colin got a great urge to leave his bedroom and crawl down next to Penelope instead. He pushed the feeling aside and went back to bed to spend a few more hours staring at his ceiling.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you to everybody who enjoy this tory in any way. The feedback I recived on the last chapter made me cry. <br/>I hope you liked this as well!<br/>Love<br/>A, not so, sane daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, <br/>I just want to take a moment to thank everybody who reads, reviews and leaves kodus on this story. <br/>I have read fanfics myself since... forever. It has been over 10 years at least. And to know that I can make anybody feel the way I have when I have spent hours on hours reading makes me ubelivble happy. <br/>That I can make anyone squeal, laugh or just smile has made these last couple of weeks for me. <br/>I have spent many days turning to this site for a moment of escape and if this story can give you that during these trying times I can't ask for anything else. <br/>Thank you so much. Getting to write for you has been a pure delight and continues to be so. <br/>Now I am done rambling. Happy reading</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Penelope pulled another dress over her head and threw it to the floor. </p><p> </p><p>Nope, not that one either. </p><p> </p><p>The pile of clothes by her feet were growing bigger by the second and Penelope still hadn't felt like any of them were quite what she was looking for. </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't like tonight was any special. Daphne and Simon had requested a night out when Violet had offered to babysit their children for a night Penelope had happily accepted their invitation to drinks at their usual place. </p><p> </p><p>It wouldn't be fancy or classy or anything that actually required dressing up. It would just be herself, the Hastings, Eloise and probably Colin. </p><p> </p><p>Francesca had told them she would try to make it but to not get their hopes up.</p><p> </p><p>No, Penelope wanted to dress up because she felt like it. Because it was Friday, she had time to spare and was a bit bored. </p><p> </p><p>Also, not that she actually needed any reasons to dress up, it had been a particularly boring week at work.  </p><p> </p><p>When Penelope had finished her studies to become a journalist she had always had those fantasies about uncovering big, dark secrets. To find a lead and work day and night to uncover the truth. She knew it had been a bit optimistic to think that she would be able to get that kind of job right out of school but she had been expecting more than… this. </p><p> </p><p>Fate had a weird sense of humour and Penelope had found herself as an employee at a small fashion magazine. She spent her days writing the very same texts as she did as Lady Whistledown.</p><p> </p><p>Well, no, not exactly the same. Penelope didn't write about any gossip or rumours at the paper. Just the fashion part and even then she wasn't allowed to use the same kind of light hearted wit and humour that made Lady Whistledown blog so fun to do. </p><p> </p><p>So tonight Penelope just wanted to feel… incredible.</p><p> </p><p>She wanted to find that perfect outfit in her closet that made her steps quicker and her back straighter. She wanted to feel hot and good just because. </p><p> </p><p>It had been a long time ago since Penelope had really tried to look good, if so just for herself.</p><p>Penelope knew how stupid that sounded and if it had been anubody but herself she knew she had written to them in Lady Whistledown.</p><p> </p><p>"Dance, laugh and look beautiful. Put on those pants that sit so good you feel like you can take over the world. Show that person, who is stupid enough not to love you back, exactly what they are misaing out on!"</p><p> </p><p>But to be completely honest, Penelope had always chosen not to try too hard because it was easier that way. It had been easier to keep on pretending that she still had a chance with Colin if she hadn't really tried very hard to prove it.</p><p> </p><p>Penelope had always had the choice of showing up in an outfit that made her look stunning, flirt with Colin and try to make him see her in another light. But if she had done so and he didn't even react it would have been impossible for her to keep telling herself that the love she felt for him was not unanswered. </p><p> </p><p>When Penelope just didn't try her chances she had always been able to just blame Colins lack of feelings on herself. </p><p> </p><p>And she was sick of it. Sick of not doing anything she wanted to just because some stupid thoughts that didn't hurt anyone but herself. Just one single week of trying to ignore that sinister voice had made her feel better then she had in years.</p><p> </p><p>Sure, the night when she had stayed over at Colins the week before hadnt been completely pain free but it had been way better than ever before. </p><p> </p><p>Penelope's heart had still skipped a beat when he had hugged her at her arrival. Her body had been covered in goosebumps when he had sent her one of his classic smiles and his green eyes had sparkled in the light. Her breath had gotten stuck in her throat when his finger had made contact with her neck. </p><p> </p><p>All of that was true, she hadn't fallen out of love with Colin, but it had still been way more manageable than it had ever been.</p><p> </p><p>Penlopes mind hadn't been aware of where Colin was at every moment during the whole night. Her body hadn't burned like fire every time he had touched her and she hadn't second guessed every other thing she said or did. </p><p> </p><p>She had always been comfortable in Colins company but this time had felt relaxed on a whole other level and it had been… wonderful. </p><p> </p><p>Penelope could get used to this. It was so much fun not having to question everything she did or how she held herself. It was great to dress up and tell jokes because that was what she wanted to do and not first have to ask herself what everybody else would think of it.</p><p> </p><p>In the back of Penelope's closet stood a box filled with unused clothes. It was tops, dresses and pants that she had bought, often in the company of one or many insisting Bridgerton sisters, that had been way too daring for Penelope to actually be brave enough to ever wear. </p><p> </p><p>Without a second thought Penelope reached for it. On the top of it was a tight, black top with a deep neckline. Penelope had bought it solely based on the fact that she suspected that Daphne would have killed her if she hadn't. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you blind? Look at you! That top makes you look great! Pen! You have to buy it! Have to!” Daphne had practically screamed when Penelope had tried it on. </p><p> </p><p>Now Penelope was very grateful over the fact that she had friends like the ones she had. </p><p> </p><p>Further down in the box she found a pair of high waisted, dark green pants. </p><p> </p><p>She got changed again and checked herself in the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>Yes, yes, yes! This was exactly who she wanted to be tonight. </p><p> </p><p>With her hair in a messy bun, big golden hoops in her ears, glossy lips and black boots, Penelope felt more ready to go out then ever before.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks again guys<br/>See you soon<br/>Love<br/>A thankful daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the late update. I hope it is worth the wait</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Colin moved his glass from hand to hand as he tried his absolute best to listen to what Simon was saying. It was not going great. Penelope was sitting right next to him and everytime she moved, so did her boobs. Something that Colin had noticed shortly into their visit, was extremely distracting. </p><p> </p><p>He had almost choked on his beer when Penelope had walked into the pub dressed like… that. Daphne hadnt had the same kind of self control. She had screamed with joy when she noticed that Penelope wore one of the shirts she had helped her choose. Colin should have known one of his sisters had something to do with it. Only them were capable of torturing him this bad.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you think Colin?” Colin looked up at Daphne who was watching him closely. He had no clue what she had just asked him but he had a strong feeling that Daphne already was aware of that. </p><p> </p><p>“Good, it's good” He answered and Daphne's smile told Colin that his answer had not been an appropriate one for the question. Daphne's eyes sparkled and Colin was very aware of the fact that he had just confirmed her suspicions. </p><p> </p><p>“Mhm?” The whole table was watching him now. Wasn't it very hot in there? Colin was sure that the pub was much hotter than usual. Or maybe it was just because Penelope's thigh made contact with his every time she switched in her seat.  </p><p> </p><p>“That's not an ans… '' Eloise began to say but her voice died out before she had finished the sentence. Her eyes stuck on something behind his and Penelope's heads as her mouth formed a small o. Penelope leaned over the table and poked her slightly</p><p> </p><p>“Hello? What's going on?” Eloise's attention snapped back to Penelope and her mouth shut and formed an inhumanly huge smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Zeus'' Which didn't say Colin anything but the same couldn't seem to be said about Penelope. Her jaw went slack. </p><p> </p><p>“No?” She whispered highly. Eloise nodded her head up and down and her smile, even though Colin couldn't understand how it was possible, grew even bigger. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes!”  An uneasy feeling spread through Colins whole body when he watched his sister and friend interact. He knew that he was missing out on something but at the same time he wasn't sure he wanted to know what that was.</p><p> </p><p>“Has he seen me?” Simon cleared his throat. Colin had almost forgotten that he and Daphne were there. </p><p> </p><p>“Want to let the rest of us in on what we are missing?” Eloise had that look on her face that Colin had gotten used to growing up with her. It was that face she made when she was very happy over something, something that perhaps didn't mean good news for everybody. </p><p> </p><p>“The man at the bar..” Daphne interrupted her</p><p> </p><p>“Which one?” </p><p>“The hot one” Both Simon and Daphne stretched their necks to see better and Colin hated that they both seemed to understand perfectly who the hot one was. That meant that the man they were talking about was hot enough to stand out. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, continue” Daphne urged Eloise</p><p> </p><p>“He was here last we… “ This did not seem to be the night of finished sentences for Eloise's part. This time she was interrupted by a deep voice. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it is… you” Colin turned his head to see a man approach them quickly with his eyes stuck on Penelope. He was… okay looking.  Penelope blushed deeply before turning around to answer him. </p><p> </p><p>“And it is you” The man stopped in front of Penelope and didn't even make an effort to hide the fact that he looked her up and down. </p><p> </p><p>“I didn't think I would get to see you again, didn't have a way to look you up” Penelope let out a laugh and Colin was sure his glass would break in his hand when he saw her repeatedly blink her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess it's your lucky day” She bit her lip and Colin wanted to hit something, like really hard. He just couldn't understand why. </p><p> </p><p>“Want to take a drink?” Penelope looked back at her friends and Colin couldn't help but feel betrayed when all three of the people on the other side practically looked ready to push Penelope away from the table and into the man's arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sure. I will be with you in a minute” The man smiled as he returned to his spot by the bar. Daphne opened her mouth to say something but Colin beat her to it. </p><p> </p><p>“That was the man who gave you a hickey?” It hadn't meant to sound like an accusation but Simons deep inhale from across of him told him it had. Penelope looked at him for an answer. </p><p> </p><p>“Why does it matter? You knew I had a hickey, I told you that. You didn't ask anything else. Why does it matter who gave it to me?” It didn't. Of course it didn't. Penelope was right, totally right, but for some reason it still did. </p><p> </p><p>“He didn't even remember your name!” Colins voice had begun to rise, Penelope's jaw tensed and Colin could almost hear her teeth grit</p><p> </p><p>“That is because I didn't tell him what it was'' Colin felt how his face became hot and red as the unreasonable anger continued to flare inside of him. She hadn't told him her name? That was so fucking stupid and he was going to tell her exactly how stupid it was.</p><p> </p><p>“That is so…” Penelope interrupted him</p><p> </p><p>“That is so something you have done countless times!” Penenlope shot back. Colin opened his mouth to answer that those times had been different. But they hadn't. Not really. </p><p> </p><p>When Penelope seemed to understand that he was unable to defend himself any longer she scoffed. </p><p> </p><p>“You are such a fucking hypocrite Col!” She began to pick up her coat and handbag to leave but Colin couldn't let her leave like this. Not when she was mad at him. He reached out for her hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Pen” </p><p> </p><p>“What?” She turned around to meet his eyes at the exact moment his hand made contact with hers and Colins whole world stopped. </p><p> </p><p>His breath hitched in his throat as he looked into Penelope's eyes and he never wanted to look away. There was only her, the only thing that existed was her eyes and her hand in his. The rest of the world faded away. </p><p> </p><p>At least until Penelope pulled her hand away from his grip. She cleared her throat and seemed to take a moment to gather herself before she said goodbye and left them to go and sit beside the man at the bar.</p><p> </p><p>What had Eloise called him? Zeus? That was a weird name. Maybe it was just a nickname. Colin stared at the man.</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you call him Zeus?” When he didn't get any answer he turned around to look at the rest of the group. They all stared at him in a way that made Colin very uneasy. </p><p> </p><p>“Col, what are you doing?” Daphne asked him but he ignored her and turned to Eloise instead. </p><p> </p><p>“Why did you call him Zeus?” Eloise inspected him closely as if she was trying to determine if she should answer him or not. Colin couldn't understand why she would not. Something must have told her that he wouldn't leave it before he had an answer because in the end she talked.</p><p> </p><p>“Because, and this is a direct quote from Peneleope, “That man is sculpted like a fucking greek god”” Colin felt ill, he didnt want to stay there any longer, he wanted to go home. </p><p> </p><p>“Colin?” Colin shook his head without looking Daphne in the face. He knew how she looked when she used that voice, how her eyes could make anybody answer anything. He grabbed his coat. Some questions Colin wasn't ready to answer just yet.</p><p> </p><p>“I'm gonna go, I am tired, haven't been able to sleep for a while” That was not a lie. Colin had suffered many sleepless nights in the past week but he didnt think tonight would be any better. If anything he suspected that it would be worse. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, okay. Sleep well and be in touch soon” Colin nodded</p><p> </p><p>“I will see you at Anthony's on Sunday, right?” Colin nodded again, answering Simon's question this time, before he hurried out of the door leaving the suffocating air behind him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hopefully the next update will come sooner. Take care!<br/>Love <br/>Your average daydreamer</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please share your thoughts and opinions. Nothing could ever make me happier.<br/>Love<br/>Your average daydreamer</p></blockquote></div></div>
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